Hospital Chart Instructions

These instructions are allegedly taken from Hospital Charts.

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She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
The patient refused autopsy.
The patient has no previous history of suicides.
Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40-pound weight gain in the past three days.
Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
She is numb from her toes down.
While in ER, she was examined, X-rated and went home.
The skin was moist and dry.
Occasional constant infrequent headaches.
Patient was alert and unresponsive.
Rectal examination revealed a normal-size thyroid.
She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
I saw your patient today, who is still under our care for physical therapy.
Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
The lab test indicated abnormal lover junction.
The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
Skin: somewhat pale but present.
The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
Patient has two teenage children but no other abnormalities.

Marcus Welby, Dr. Kildare, if you read this, please e-mail me.